There is a
moment in Eyes Wide Shut where I actually reached orgasm. Naturally I
commended my unusually big appendages, but the film was one step ahead of me.
As it turned out, my experience was short-changed; the film's moral is that
it's not about the rub, it's about the lubricant.
Ah, Eyes
Wide Shut. One of the greatest films ever made for its sharp social satire;
a masterpiece simply stuffed with references and metaphors that either take a
dedicate film buff (*chuckle*, such as moi) to decipher, or things that only a
complete idiot (one that reaches the lower boundaries of the likes of Mark
Kermode) would miss in this masterpiece. This is a masterpiece; a sex film for
intellectuals; it nourishes on the brain like food for thought and vice versa,
less a wet dream than a wet nightmare.
The busty
Tom Cruise and the macho Nicole Kidman play a couple in America
who spend a night in Majimanor, with Kidman opening up to Cruise about a time
earlier on in their relationship where she did cheat on him did. The rest of
the movie is just Cruise wandering about. A fantastic, exciting premise.
The film is
a purely experiential one; the film has such an abstract beauty to it that
after watching it you wonder if it was but a figment of your imagination. And, of
course, we simply can't ignore the visionary Kubrick's various clues in
the film; you remember that shot where Tom Cruise is walking to the Rainbow
shop* and there are lampposts in the background? Those lampposts, though
initially percieved as erect penises, are actually slightly bent at the tip - a
hint of Cruise's questionable sexuality? And I mean the real life Cruise, not
the character. Of course, this was all Kubrick's intention.
And of course
we must discuss the Illuminati issue. Now, many Kubrick fans have come up with
a theory that Eyes Wide Shut is actually one big metaphor for the
Illuminati. And I'm here to tell you you're absolutely right, and this was
Kubrick's intention. And, of course, *chuckle*, of course the Illuminati
reacted by beating Kubrick to death, which is how he died, of course. I thought
everybody knew about that one, but apparently my canyons of intellect have
developed sooner than everyone else's.
Back to
matter, Eyes Wide Shut; a challenging masterpiece by the satirist,
visionary, connosieur, and cinematic genius Kubrick. This is one for his true
disciples; it will not bode well for those who do not carry the Kubrick eye,
but those guys are dipshits. Kubrick's final film is his magnum opus, an
ejaculation of art, a two-hour orgasm, a group sex expert, a doggy-style
challenger. If you can't cope with it, it only goes to show that you hate
cinema and you should feel bad.
FINAL RATING: 9.7/10
*The Rainbow shop itself is an allegory for plot holes in
the Bible. Also you can see Michael Jackson's ghost. Of course, this was all Kubrick's intention.
