Thursday, 6 December 2012

Eyes Wide Shut (1999): An Ethereal Odyssey (an in-depth analysis by Rudolpho "Buñuel" Ebert)

            There is a moment in Eyes Wide Shut where I actually reached orgasm. Naturally I commended my unusually big appendages, but the film was one step ahead of me. As it turned out, my experience was short-changed; the film's moral is that it's not about the rub, it's about the lubricant.

            Ah, Eyes Wide Shut. One of the greatest films ever made for its sharp social satire; a masterpiece simply stuffed with references and metaphors that either take a dedicate film buff (*chuckle*, such as moi) to decipher, or things that only a complete idiot (one that reaches the lower boundaries of the likes of Mark Kermode) would miss in this masterpiece. This is a masterpiece; a sex film for intellectuals; it nourishes on the brain like food for thought and vice versa, less a wet dream than a wet nightmare.

            The busty Tom Cruise and the macho Nicole Kidman play a couple in America who spend a night in Majimanor, with Kidman opening up to Cruise about a time earlier on in their relationship where she did cheat on him did. The rest of the movie is just Cruise wandering about. A fantastic, exciting premise.

            The film is a purely experiential one; the film has such an abstract beauty to it that after watching it you wonder if it was but a figment of your imagination. And, of course, we simply can't ignore the visionary Kubrick's various clues in the film; you remember that shot where Tom Cruise is walking to the Rainbow shop* and there are lampposts in the background? Those lampposts, though initially percieved as erect penises, are actually slightly bent at the tip - a hint of Cruise's questionable sexuality? And I mean the real life Cruise, not the character. Of course, this was all Kubrick's intention.

            And of course we must discuss the Illuminati issue. Now, many Kubrick fans have come up with a theory that Eyes Wide Shut is actually one big metaphor for the Illuminati. And I'm here to tell you you're absolutely right, and this was Kubrick's intention. And, of course, *chuckle*, of course the Illuminati reacted by beating Kubrick to death, which is how he died, of course. I thought everybody knew about that one, but apparently my canyons of intellect have developed sooner than everyone else's.

            Back to matter, Eyes Wide Shut; a challenging masterpiece by the satirist, visionary, connosieur, and cinematic genius Kubrick. This is one for his true disciples; it will not bode well for those who do not carry the Kubrick eye, but those guys are dipshits. Kubrick's final film is his magnum opus, an ejaculation of art, a two-hour orgasm, a group sex expert, a doggy-style challenger. If you can't cope with it, it only goes to show that you hate cinema and you should feel bad.


*The Rainbow shop itself is an allegory for plot holes in the Bible. Also you can see Michael Jackson's ghost. Of course, this was all Kubrick's intention.

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